Crap Kingdom by D. C. Pierson

By D. C. Pierson

The selected ONE needs to be RETRIEVED FROM EARTH

he'll deliver DOWN THE WALL AND repair the dominion TO GLORY

HIS identify IS TOM PARKING

With this mysterious but oddly ordinary-looking prophecy, Tom's destiny is sealed: he's been plucked from his existence and whisked away to a mystical nation to be its selected One.

There's only one challenge: the dominion is generally made from rubbish from Earth. ok, good, difficulties: the king hates Tom. additionally, the princess loves to put on faux mustaches. And being selected One turns out to consist more often than not of cleansing out rats' noses on the Royal Rat-Snottery.

So, essentially, the dominion sucks.

while Tom turns down the task of selected One, he thinks he's creating a good move. but if Tom discovers he's been changed by means of his ally Kyle, who's constantly been cooler, extra athletic, and higher with women, Tom desires Crap country back—at any price. And the hilarity that ensues will confirm the destiny of the universe.

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Example text

None of this was an effort, of course, and none of it was done with any sense of calculation: I found it easy to remember things about her, because I didn’t think about anything else, and I really did think she was beautiful, and I would not have been able to prevent myself from buying her little presents, and I did not have to feign devotion. There was no effort involved. So when one of Charlie’s friends, a girl called Kate, said wistfully one lunchtime that she wished she could find somebody like me, I was surprised and thrilled.

But Jackie and I were miserable in a thrilling, grown-up way. ’ in secret and talked about how nice it would be when we didn’t have to do things in secret any more. I never really thought about whether that was true or not. There wasn’t time. I tried not to run Phil down too much – I felt bad enough as it was, what with screwing his girlfriend and all. But it became unavoidable, because when Jackie expressed doubts about him, I had to nurture those doubts as if they were tiny, sickly kittens, until eventually they became sturdy, healthy grievances, with their own cat-flaps which allowed them to wander in and out of our conversation at will.

Dick asks. ‘No. ’ You can hear the defens-iveness in Barry’s voice. He has obviously never heard the Mitch Ryder version. ‘Oh. Oh well. ’ Dick would never go so far as to tell Barry that he’s messed up, but the implication is clear. ’ says Barry, bristling. ’ ‘No, come on. ’ ‘Nothing. I just prefer the other one,’ says Dick mildly. ’ I ask. ’ Dick shrugs and smiles. ‘What? What? ’ ‘Leave him alone, Barry. It doesn’t matter. ’ ‘All I’m trying to do is cheer us up. That’s all. Very sorry. ’ ‘I don’t want old sad bastard music on either.

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